her
sending <3 to all the eldest daughters
Spotify played Eldest Daughter for me for the first time as I was writing this post. How fitting.
wizardry on the E
I lifted my head up. My shoulders were begging me to let go of all of the tension that I burdened them with. I let out a sigh and slowly rolled my head to the right and left when she caught my eye. She’ll always be the most mesmerizing being I’ll have ever seen on the Subway. She walked in front of her mother, holding her sister’s right hand, keeping an eye on her brother as he found a seat right across from me. She whipped her head around and looked at her mother, acknowledging that there was only room for one next to him. Her mother spoke to her in Spanish, signaling to her that it was okay, that she’d sit across from them.
With her mother’s approval, she plopped down next to her brother and sat her sister in between her legs. She checked that her mother was situated while she started braiding her sister’s hair, her hands skillfully doing the work without needing her eyes for the job at hand. This clearly wasn’t her first rodeo. She glanced at her brother, checking to make sure that the little iPad kid was content. She finally laid her eyes on the braid that she was working on for the first time, then backtracking a few steps to make sure that her sister’s hair was to her own liking, to perfection. The moment that her sister called on her to help reset her game because she’d just lost, she closed the app and reopened it with her right hand. Her left never let go of her sister’s braid.
Her mother called her name to tell her which stop they had to get off at. She looked up at her and nodded, again holding her sister’s braid with her left hand as she reached into her jacket pocket to pull out a Twix which she handed to her sister. Her brother noticed in his peripheral vision and asked for one, never picking his head up from his iPad. She handed him one too. She never had one herself.
She took another glance at her sister’s braid and decided that it was terrible, undoing the whole thing and starting from scratch. Just as she restarted, her sister lost another round of the game and had had enough. She wanted her sister to help out. Only because her sister needed her help, she asked her to hold her own hair. She got off to a great start with the game. Satisfied, her sister asked for it back. She gave the game back to her, and picked right up where she left off with the braid.
She went on like this for six stops, doing everything all at once with a comfort and ease. She was built for this. She was born the eldest daughter.
I only realized that I wasn’t really breathing a few moments after she ushered her siblings off of the E. Watching her in action took my breath away.
no metal detectors needed
She heaved a sigh of relief, grateful that the attention was no longer on her. All of the elders had just finished blessing her at her Voni function. Moments after the last grains of rice were placed on her head, everyone’s focus shifted back to whatever they were doing before, the adults chatting amongst themselves and the children back outside running around in the backyard. She stepped outside herself, taking in the perfect summer sun that she adored. As she walked across the patio that her parents laid down themselves, she overheard that N lost her gold bangle somewhere in the backyard. No one could find it. Even the metal detector that N’s father grabbed from their house was no help. Classic.
She announced that she’d find it within the next five minutes, telling the aunties not to fret. They dismissed her. How was she any different than everyone else who’d already spent ample time searching for N’s bangle? Also classic. Perhaps they’d never noticed that she had three younger sisters who lost things all the time; that she was always the one who “saved the day”, finding the lost pacifier, Ritz crackers, or jhumka.
N’s father offered her the metal detector. She politely declined, knowing that she’d be most effective with her eyes alone. She walked straight to the middle of her backyard, knowing that it was very likely where N had spent most of her time running around that morning. She circled out from there. K called her silly for walking in circles. She ignored her, continuing for two minutes until a slight glimmer caught her eye. She thanked the sun as she picked up N’s bangle, waving it in the air as she made her way back to the aunties and handed it over to N’s mother. They all thanked her, singing her praises. But it was nothing to her. She was just doing her job, the job of the eldest daughter.
Now that her job that’s never really over was done, she skipped over to N and tagged her “it”, starting a game of tag with all of the kids. Classic.
it’s okay mommy
The three middle fingers on her left hand had just broken through the glass in the bottom left panel of the china hutch. Her mother entered the room, carrying her baby sister on her hip. Scared that she had upset her mother, she immediately yanked her fingers out of the glass and felt the most excruciating pain of her life. The flesh and blood from her tiny toddler fingers flew across the room, staining the white sofas. She cried in pain as her mother screamed and rushed over to her side. Her little fingers hurt so bad. The glass had cut a nerve in her middle finger. She saw her bone on her ring and pointer fingers, which quickly faded out of view as her eyes filled with tears.
The adrenaline rushed over her and the pain subsided. While she was in shock, her attention quickly shifted to her mother. She’d never seen her so frazzled before. Within the span of three minutes, her mother had scolded her, dialed 911, her father, her playdate’s mother, and her aunt, taken her disti, and washed the dishes. Why on earth would she wash the dishes right now?
The girl turned to her baby sister to make sure that she was doing okay. Her sister looked like she wasn’t processing anything and was doing just fine. As her blood dripped onto the floor of the kitchen, she walked up to her mother and tugged on her shirt. Clearing her throat, she said “it’s okay Mommy” and asked if there was anything that she could help with. For she was the eldest daughter.
why & whenever? questions on my mind
on a greyhound two weekends ago while the guy sitting next to me was contorting into some of the most insane never-seen-before positions to fall asleep: why is it that we don’t lend our shoulders to strangers on public transit?
also on the same greyhound: why is it that the most inspired i’ve ever felt has been on the greyhound?
while i was working on my blog post on aphantasia which may never see the light of day and that’s okay: why do i suck at writing nonfiction?
on the Worcester-bound commuter rail on my way to visit my mom’s bestie without my mom for the first time: whenever did we grow up?
xoxo,
an eldest daughter who’s always writing on public transit, including right at this very moment
I love the vivid anecdotes!
voni function is such a deep cut :) and this was so so good!! love the depth of attention